Why Men have Sex on their Minds
Ooooooh! Yechhh! I think that guy is coming on to me!
(SWF looking for Her Prince)
A lot of men say they don't know what women want.
Well . . . maybe in the dim, distant past some really deep thinkers claimed to understand female motivation. I think this may have been during Druid times. Today, the most worldly men admit that anticipating a woman's intent toward them is an exercise in confusion, an ego buster for sure. Many women, on the other hand, are sure they know what men want. Guys are routinely figured out, measured and evaluated in the twinkling of an eyelash. And one of the common conclusions women voice is that what men want is SEX. And I really must agree.
MEN WANT SEX!
Just between you and I, though, it is the same for many women, but more subtle, more complex.
The question really should be phrased as: what does it mean when a woman perceives that male motives are limited to the horizontal and therefore judges men unworthy of vertical consideration?
Counterproductive all the way around, it would seem.
Let us take a poll: how many women out there just hate to be sexually desired and pursued by the man of their choice? From this poll, we will quickly find out that it is not the case that women do not want to be pursued by men. It is just that they want only the right man to try it.
This is the sticky point, because it is here that sexual indignation is born in women. Beyond that issue of choice, the unalterable and inoffensive fact is that attraction between the sexes - and the urge to express it - is ancient and ineradicable. But the process of choice in mating is easily distorted by bad cultural habits.
How easily we forget that we are part of the natural world and not all that different from the other animals. They are interested in sex in a big way, too. But they do not give such attitude about it
Sexual Control Among Chipmunks
Take chipmunks, for example. They flirt and play, in a rough and tumble exploration. Under the right circumstances, she acts receptive, with cute little twitches. He becomes increasingly active. He is quite persistent, aggressive even. Only when she feels like it will they mate with unselfconscious energy.
But chipmunk rape is rare: it is a yes/no proposition, with the go-ahead ultimately signaled by her receptivity in response to his persistent approaches. And with chipmunks there is no such thing as Sexual Indignation:
Can you imagine? that loser tried to come on to me!
Why, his stripe isn't even well groomed!
He probably lives in a filthy hole in the ground!
Why, the nerve of him!
No, no . . . at no time does the female chipmunk act insulted because the male is "coming on" to her. There is no need for such a pose, because female chipmunks instinctually know how to stop an untimely suitor in his tiny tracks. And with the exception of serial rapists and abusive sociopaths, mature human females are equally capable of freezing any unwelcome penis within striking distance.
There is no need to hiss and spit at them. Or at men, either. Human males are all too aware of impending rejection. In fact, so many men are stricken with Rejection Phobia that it is a wonder any sex takes place at all in this culture.
Sexual Control Among Humans
Alas, too many women are unaware of the power on their side of the sexual equation. They are too busy focusing on their Fear of the Wrong Man
This lack of awareness underlies an exaggerated sense of vulnerability and leads to a harsh, defensive judgment of men for their natural sexual interest in women. The ability to say "no" in a firm and confident way is a realistic antidote to unacceptable pursuit. Normal human males just cannot get very far with emotionally mature females without the receptivity of the females in question.
Of course, too many centuries of sexual inequality have made women suspect male sexual assertion as a statement of social dominance. Still . . . the total history of power relations between men and women cannot change this universal truth: Men are not going to stop being sexually interested in women . . . and vice versa. It is not going to happen, so let's don't be dumb about it.
The Solution to Sexual Indignation
What could happen, however, is that singles reframe their attitudes into something more empowering for both sexes. Women could accept that it is natural for men to seek sexual contact. They could see this as an evolutionary benefit and a recognition of their innate desirability.
Women could admit that, when we can retain the power of choice, we share similar interests with men, and share them deeply. We can also agree that sexuality is not intrinsically a character defect. We could acknowledge the fact that except in cruel and unusual circumstances (which we all know exists all over the place) women generally have the upper hand in sexual matters . . .
if they have the guts to exercise that power consciously and compassionately, rather than with derision. But here is an even larger reframe: I say that men do not want just sex any more than women do.
Sex is not the only thing men want, it is just the first thing they want if they are not tired, hungry, worried, or working singlemindedly on a manly task of some kind. When you think about it, this gives women quite a bit of leeway. And from what I hear, many single men would settle for access to a friendly women, one who is emotionally receptive towards them, one who does not belittle or ignore them. Men want pretty much the same brass ring that women want: acceptance - a prerequisite to intimacy of any kind. Much of this only-interested-in-sex stuff is a fond delusion of on both sides.
Male pursuit and female receptivity are part of a bigger drive shared by both sexes: the human need to connect with a reliable source of acceptance, safety, and warmth. This is nothing for a women to be so indignant about . . . unless of course, she does not have a confident sense of her own power.